...and for privacy purposes I'll call him Jake - that simply amuses the living fuck outta me on a constant basis. He even had the audacity to call me a - gasp - fanboi today.
Anyway, let me rewind to the beginning here. I met Jake through a friend of my ex. The friend was going to school with Jake and described him as being pretty cool. I, however, didn't care for the guy too much already because even though I had my own 50-60 member guild going on WoW, my friends and ex were just gonna follow this guy named Jakes to wtfever server he was playing on.
Finally I relented and made a priest on Jake's server. Wanna know why I made a priest? Hehe, dear reader, here's the backwards part. I made my dear Rottentreats for Jake. Jake is the sole reason why Rottentreats exists.
Shock? Yes, please, with a side of grits if you would.
Jake wanted a Priest, so there I was, blind faith and all. No pun intended.
I was still grumbly towards him, but gradually I found myself spending more and more time on Tichondrius.
Fucking charismatic people.
Enter stage left, the next in the cast and crew, some fucktard Rogue in the guild that I can't even stand to know is breathing.
He pissed me off. He said really hurtful things when nobody was around. Then nobody believed me, which really really hurt.
So I packed my bags. I left Death By with a heavy heart, a grudge on my shoulder, and more than one tear in my eye.
I was pissed. I didn't let people treat my friends like shit and get away with it, but here they were, telling me that I was just overracting when they didn't even know half of the shit that went on.
So my first line of defense on that war front was simply this:
Oh, I skipped a part. The first time I met Jake in person.
I had no clue what Jake looked like. Just that he was an amazing person. Before I'd even caught a glimpse of him, I had already developed a teeny tiny little crush on him. /giggleblush.
But when he showed up at my front door to help me with my computer, I was almost knocked over flat.
I was instantly envious of his gorgeous red, curly hair. Tall. Lanky. Cute smile. A sharp contrast to what I was used to. And as corny as this shit sounds, my heart skipped a beat.
I know he'd never believe me if I said that though. But if he was a keen enough observer, which I know he is, he would have noticed the blushing mumble shit I tend to do around people I'm attracted to.
So days, weeks, months go by. Jakes stays at my house for the weekend a few times, and I silenetly, internally curse myself for who I am.
The What If syndrome started playing in my head like a broken record, slow at first, but eventually progressing to a mind-numbing frenzy. Scenarios revealed brief glimpses of themselves to me, injecting my normal mid-day thoughts with a few hints of lust and curiosity here and there.
Thankfully I've been able to beat down and tame those thoughts as of lately. My full-blown want has blessedly worn down to a dull roar of timid admiration and adoration from afar. I finally feel completely comfortable around him now, too. I'm glad I can drop my fragile charade of "I'm okay"ness and just sink back into my own comfortable body. He doesn't judge. He just listens. He's soothing, and I don't quite know why.
Most of all, I'm thankful I met him.
I'm not sure if I could put a label on how I feel about him. i was able to kill off all the silly romantic feelings a while back.
Romance is dead to me, by the way. But that's a different rambling altogether.
So! Last night for the first time in many years, I got brave enough to ask someone out for a drink. I haven't asked anybody out in like ummm 5 years. It was very awkward. I'm not even really interested in seeing if he's date material. I just wanna see if I can't find a few more friends. Sigh.
But if that's just it, then why do I care about what I wear or what I look like? =\
Oh well, I'll figure that out sometime soon eh? Sometimes I'm not sure how to deal with people. I wish I could figure out how to...My social skills are crap now. Being a stay at home mama for two, almost three years has left me feeling pretty lonely and honestly, unknowing in the area of how to deal with people.
Fuck people. Fuck them all. Confusing a-holes.
Did you ever have one of those days where nothing seemed real at all? Where you felt hollow inside or perhaps saw everything around you like it was through fish eyes?
That would be what kind of a day I'm having. Is anything ever really real?
I'm a firm subscriber in the notion of "I think, therefore I am." Some days I feel like everything around me is a large hallucination, distorted horribly and torn in twain by my own twisted mind. Distorted views of people around me that lead to the next day with them, horribly confused and sometimes more than just a bit hurt over thoughts I've stated out loud for the public eye.
I sometimes wonder what's wrong with me. On more than one occasion from more than one person, I've heard the phrase "Well, you must have imagined it." That statement makes me question my own sanity. Especially when I hear the phrase more than once from several different people. Am I losing pieces of me even as I type now? How much of myself have I lost to my overly-active imagination and poor memory?
I feel like a snake that constantly sheds its skin.
Jul. 20th, 2005 @ 01:04 pm
Do you remember the feel of your first kiss? The awkward, exciting thrill of it all? The freshness, the newness, the hope for true love...
That may have been how it went for you, dear reader, but I remember feeling quite the opposite. At the tender age of 14 in the backseat of my grandmother's van, my stomach was in a knot, and I was praying that he brushed his teeth. (Which he did, by the way.) I wasn't focused on how it would feel, but when lips pressed to lips, I felt, well, disappointed. You always see on the movies how people get together and kiss passionately and they look like they're enjoying themselves.
I wondered to myself how putting your lips up against someone else's dry/sweaty/moist/slobbery lips could ever be enjoyable. How could they smile about this in the movies? Did I do something wrong? Did he do something wrong? Why was this more nerve-wracking than enjoyable?!
Remembering my first kiss made me ponder another question. At what point did kissing progress from awkward bumping of noses to this enjoyable pasttime one could quite possibly spend hours on?
There are several types of kisses. There's the "Hello, gramma" kiss on the cheek. Then there's the kiss of a child, wet, sweet, and sloppy. The timid peck on the lips of someone you've perhaps just developed a crush on. The full-out tonsil hockey. The goodbye kiss that tastes of salty tears. The kiss full of pure lust and raw emotion. The loving smooch with someone you adore.
I admit I do miss the feel of a soft kiss...
Perhaps I'll stay Horde a lil bit longer. So many requests pouring in begging me to stay. Plus I'm kinda wanting to see me actually finish off a char.
I dunno. I'll see what happens. WTF else do I have to do except go in the corner and cry my emo tears?
Tomorrow Emma goes to her gramma's for the weekend. Yay! Some time to myself. ^_^ Maybe I'll stay up late and sleep in late like a teenager. ._. Probably not.
|» I pleasantly surprise myself on a daily basis now.|
Not *that* way, you pervert.|
I surprised myself the other day. For the first time since my two-year relationship with A. ended, I allowed myself to cry. And not just a few tears. We're talking curled-up in the corner, heart-wrenching sobs. I just couldn't hold it in anymore.
The surprising thing is that I wasn't crying because of the end of the relationship or I missed him. I was crying because it was the end of an era. An era where I didn't think too highly of myself. An era where I actually lost my identity.
I sobbed for what I had become--a former shell of myself. I felt so ashamed. How could I let myself slip away like that? How could I have let someone else step in and rearrange me? After all the years I had preached to my girl friends about keeping sight of yourself, I'd gone and lost it all. I'd lost myself.
I'm starting to feel myself come back together again. I'm starting to remember who I am. I'm beginning to smile more.
Have you ever found your mirror?|
I don't mean another who is exactly like yourself with all the same personality traits, likes and dislikes, etc. I mean someone who allows you to see yourself for exactly who and what you are.
To explain what I mean, let's first examine how I see myself in mirrors. Most of the time when I pass by a mirror, upon first glance I see just a tiny glimpse of what I actually look like. Sometimes I'll stop and take a slightly longer look and smooth out my hair and adjust my clothes. Yet other times I will stare into the mirror and carefully examine myself, noticing all the tiny things, both the flaws and the things I love.
At some point in my life, I started learning to love the flaws because they all meant something. So what if my breasts aren't as perky as they were when I was 18? I used them when I was 21 to nourish my child for a while. The small hints of purple at my hips and waist? Tiny reminders of how I was strong and carried my child for [over] 9 months in my own body.
Physical mirrors can be found all over the place. There are usually several in your home and many in the places we visit daily.
Sometimes it's a bit harder to find that emotional mirror, though. That special someone who can show the inside of us and make us realize that it's okay to show your true self.
|» ok, so maybe not all men are bad. [aka emo part deux]|
yeah. i said it.|
maybe not all men are bad. just 99.95% of them.
|» YES! Another entry in this emo-fest|
Hah, so like I'm deleting my Hordelings on Tichondrius and rerolling Alliance.|
Yes. I'm rerolling Alliances, bitches.
For those of you that know me, I'll be Rottentreats, the Human Warlock.
Start the gankage....NOW!
|» Ummm, first entry|
Sup sup! New journal here...to introduce myself, my name is Tara. I made this journal to keep track of what's going on and what's happened in WoW. ;) We'll just see how well I keep it up though.|
If you want to find me, I play on the Tichondrius (PvP) server. My chars are:
Rottentreats - 50 Undead Priest
Riddlebox - 30 Undead Rogue
Tastycakes - 25 Undead Lock
Hikkups - 18 Undead Mage
Stickybuns - 18 Undead Warrior
Mostasteless - 16 Tauren Druid
Yuh. So I'm an altaholic. So sue me.
Anywho, don't get peeved if you see personal stuff mixed in with WoW shit. Just stfu and read. ;)